I’m back in the game, on so many levels!
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I’m back in the game, on so many levels!
For the past month I have buried myself in self reflection. I start my day with stretching both of my body and of my mind. I have learned much about myself, things I like, things I would alter through self growth and understanding, I am rediscovering me.
Today started off in a spectacular fashion. I climbed out of my tent to see mountains rising above me, mist lingering on the peaks while the sun made an appearance through the light cloud cover. I woke feeling refreshed, free of negative energy and the sense of foreboding which had been weighing me down the past couple of days. The morning was an opportunity to deal with chores and to reconnect with the “outside world.” Oh the glories of Facebook and email. I shared my latest photo project and caught up with my puppy sitter and that’s when it happened, the email came through from my mother. My mother who doesn’t share all the information, only what she deems important at the moment (sorry mom). The email stated “I’ll pick you up in Dover. Grampa is in the hospital…” for anyone who knows my family hearing that my grandfather is in the hospital is common news, I’m pretty sure he has frequent flyer miles, it was the rest of the sentence that had me pause “he had a hemorrhagic stroke.” This was not the way my grandfather rolled, he never went in for anything serious. Needless to say the information was sparse and being on the other side of the country doesn’t make it easy to drop in and see what’s going on. Instead I did the rational thing, I cried! I let the fear and the pain flood my senses and run from my eyes.
There is something so healing about letting your emotions free. For the moment I was on my own with only myself available to process the situation. All the time spent looking inward became an asset, I let myself truly feel the emotions coursing through me, I didn’t bury them or look to others to provide the support I thought I needed, there would be time for that later.
Sitting looking at the expansive wilderness in front of me I had decisions to make. Do I cut my trip short and fly home? Do I stick out the next couple weeks and hope for good news? There were many checks and balances to do. When the life of someone you love has an unknown destiny, one which has a possible time limit, every choice made will impact your life. I sat looking out at the mountains and the river. My mind wandered filled with the memories of all the time spent with my grandfather, hikes to his favorite fishing hole, cribbage games, driving my grandmother and him south for the winter (in a 30′ motor home towing a car), his stories of being a WWII POW, and so much more. His excitement and support of my upcoming adventure to hike the AT. I am blessed for any and every moment I have with my grandfather.
With much thought behind my decision and knowing what my grandfather would want for me I have decided to finish my current adventure. Updates on my grandfather say he’s doing well. I’m looking forward to giving him a great big hug upon my return to NH.
And an adventure it has been. Days upon days of rain falling to the point that my tent had to be moved for possible record breaking floods. The river rose over ten feet in two days. The grass patch is where my tent was.
The before flood river. See normally there are rocks.
The world flashed by viewed from the back of a truck, trees, rocks, cows, and mountains. Watching the land roll past I saw new things which should have been laid out ahead of me but were now only passing memories. I could enjoy a life of travel where you look not at where you are going but appreciate where you could have been and know that when the time is right you’ll get there.
I feel like I am caught in the moment just before you know the really bad thing is about to happen. For example as a young child I was chasing after our 150 pound dog who was having a blast chasing after a jogger. I don’t know if you’ve ever been pursued by a 150 pound black dog whose bark is so deep it causes every bone in your body to vibrate. Either way you may know why this jogger wasn’t stopping for my shouts of “he’s friendly!” You really don’t want to take the moment to find out if it’s true. As I peddled furiously down the road my mother drove past me and stopped to grab the dog. I knew before it happened that I was in a dangerous situation. As my front wheel passed the back bumper of her car she opened her door. It was the cartoon moment! My bike collided with the drivers side door catapulting me over the top of it. I remember flying through the air and thinking “oh no this is going to hurt!” as the asphalt came up to meet me.
No matter how far you’ve come you can always go further.
The desire to be out in the mountains camping under the stars sits heavily upon me. To wake in the morning and heat water over a camp stove. To sip coffee while watching the stars fade into the morning light. To know that all I need is right there at the tip of my fingers.
While I wait for the mountains I will spend my time in the places I can kick back and enjoy the air. Today was all about that bass, ahhh beach, beach that is. Darn that song is all over the radio and creeping into your head when you least expect it.
Star and I spent the late morning walking the sand with our best friends. Running, playing and being goofy. Because in life it’s really all you have.
I am reminded again and again to be grateful for what I have! I have a great job which allows me to make positive differences in the lives of others. I am able to share my own knowledge and wisdom or to gain insight into outcomes through others experiences.
Over a year ago my world crashed down on me. I couldn’t find the positives in my life. The pain and frustrations of my knee injury were greater than I could have imagined. I had looked forward to the surgery thinking it would happen and all would be well. It’s never as easy as it seems.
Almost exactly a year ago I was battling through the rigors of PT, fighting for a chance to go car camping in Acadia. This year I’m fighting for clearance to go hike the Appalachian Trail, departing in 7 to 8 months time. It took my physical therapist reminding me of my journey before I truly realized where I was. Since my surgery I had been stuck in a negative space which had become my life. With the acknowledgement of my growth from beginning to present I suddenly found light again. That despite my battles I had gained much, both in losses and wins. My job reminds me over and over again, life is never easy but there is a way.
I need to thank a family. I’ve been holding onto the donor card from my surgery waiting for the right time. I want to let the family of the person know they made a difference. I don’t know how to word my appreciation. How can you recognize a family’s loss by sending a letter stating that the little ligament in your knee, which their loss provided for you, is opening new doors? Six years ago the idea to hike a trail spanning more than 10 states and over 2000 miles was nothing but a tiny seed. After my surgery I needed a goal, something to give meaning to my life again. The AT was it. I want to share my amazing journey with this family. I want to show them the bright side of their loss. The beauty of things newly discovered, of limits pushed, and strength gained. I want them to know even the little things made a big difference.
My idea of life and yours may be completely different. When I think about what it means to be alive I picture time spent hiking through the woods, swimming in lakes, and kicking back at the end of a day looking up at the stars. Therefore my life is on hiatus. I was ready. The trails were calling my name and I had places to be. BUT until I get clearance, from my wonderful physical therapist, I am not allowed to do any “serious” hiking.
So we sit, we tally, we appreciate what we have and look forward to what we want.